Thursday, July 2, 2009

Hello Kitty

Dear Aunt Sam:

My cat has halitosis. It is causing a great deal of problem with my friends and family. Sammy wants to entertain people with his endless operatic cat meowing and though it is cute it can sometimes be a source of major social issues among my clique. I have tried everything, from buying the best tooth brush to getting him to floss after meals. I have also attempted to have him ingest mints but still the problem persists. I love Sammy but I can't risk being embarrassed again like what happened last Christmas. Please help me.

Respectfully yours Mr Baxteria


Dear Mr Baxteria

Your cat has a cool name, big ups to that!!

Hmmmmm wondering what happened last xmas though? Did you give him your heart? and the very next day did he give it away???

Now, halitosis is pretty common in domestic animals, after all they do lick their privates.....and some are flexible enough to reach the area just below the tail.So when you say things like "Wheeweee Sammy your breath smells like Sh!t" he's probably thinking "You don't say Sherlock!"
So for starters I can suggest placing a cone over his head, the ones that look like lampshades. But I best you're wondering how Sammy is gonna clean himself - well, I suggest dimming the lights, throwing a hot chocolate vinyl on the player and serving up a tuna dinner for two. Now before you get worried (or excited - I don't judge) I suggest inviting the hot piece of fluff from next door over to join Sammy for dinner. Now, one thing is gonna lead to another, Mrs cat from next door is going to find Sammy's new hat a bit of a turn on, and she's going to tell him how much she likes the smell of his musk, he's going to complain about not being about to reach certain places and then she's going to want to do her best to help her new friend. I call this process "Cat scratch fever".

After a few more of these play dates with Mrs Cat from next door, Sammy will get used to the routine so you can remove the cone, because I'm sure he'll be well in the routine of assuming the position whenever she comes over.

So where do you win in this game?

Well your actual neighbour from next door will have to put up with Mrs Cats bad breath, and Sammy doesn't clean himself therefore will have breath fresher than a daisy.

Hope this helps
Aunty Sam


  1. Hi AlpHa,

    Nice to have you join us - hmmmm what do I really mean?
    Actually I must admit I'm a little confused by your question haha....sorry. Are you asking what it is that I'm suggesting from the above post or are you asking what I mean by the name "Aunty Sam" ( sorry it's been one of those days where my mind isn't on my side ).
    But to answer your question/s:
    I figure with the above post, that if you can't "treat" or "cure" the halitosis then its best to eliminate the cause of the bad breath and to the best of my feline knowledge and a pinch of my own common sense - taking away the self grooming element in the cats routine should do the trick.
    As for the name - I think using "Uncle Sam" would attract the wrong attention, however while referring to myself as Aunty Sam I think it fits the Agony Aunt column just perfectly and is slightly less threatening - even if the spelling is incorrect and it potentially makes me sound like a bit of a cross dresser.

    Thanks for stopping by.
    Aunty Sam

  2. One of my husband's favorite movies is "Sense and Sensibilty". This movie also has a Mr. Darcy!
    He (and I) will watch the movie whenever it is on TV or when we need a fix, will pop it into the DVD.
    What a guy!