Lady of the night

Dear Aunty Sam,

I have this weird rash. It showed up after I had relations with a lady of the evening. I can't go to the doctor. And I can't find previously mentioned lady of the evening. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Anonymous

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Dear Anonymous

Was she any good? Is she worth finding?

Is she any relation to "leggy in New England", whereby I can suggest you research morgellons disease http://www.morgellons-disease-research.com/, , on that note is there anything you two may like to confess before I continue?

Right then

Are you sure its a rash? I'm assuming lipstick remover isn't going to fix anything?You know, back in the olden days a good cure for a rash would be the removal of the infectious bacteria via vigorous scrubbing with a wire brush or pot scourer, however I'm assuming that this method may cause you some discomfort so as far as the rash goes the best thing for it is to lather up in lanolin oil - the stuff that you get from sheep's wool. I'll leave that to your own interpretation but I am in no way suggesting you go and steal Welsh mans date.

As far as finding the "lady of the evening" you may want to do a little undercover work, even if it means mucking in and doing a few jobs yourself and working out the area and local haunts. You never know you may have some customers who may even recognize the rash that can point you in the right direction.

Best Regards

Aunty Sam

Leggy

Dear Aunty Sam...

I have a growing growth on my leg. It is black, gooey, and sometimes moves on it's own.Do you think duct tape would work better than the baking soda I'm currently using to try and get rid of it? Or should I just cut it off?What do I do if it starts talking?

Thanks,

Leggy in New England.

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Dear Leggy,

Gross!

have you alerted the border security and military forces yet?In all seriousness though I would have it looked at by a doctor. Failing that do a bit of DIY and try burning it off with dry ice.If it starts talking I suggest you go out and rent the movie brain damage its about a little talking worm that latches on to the back of its host and gives him LSD trips in exchange for the host bringing it victims home so that it can eat their brains. Cant remember how it ends but it could be of some help to you: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0094793/

Best regards

Aunty Sam

Dog Farts

Dear Aunty Sam,

How do I stop my dog from constantly farting. We have changed her food but nothing is working?

Once I had to sleep in the guestroom because I was restless and didn't want to wake my husband. Phoebe (dog) sleeps under the guest bed . As I was falling asleep (finally) she farted and had me running for a gas mask. I mean OMG!!!!!!!

She is adorable but stinky!


Would a cork help? (kidding of course, incase Peta is reading)

Thanks
All Choked Up

http://insidecathysworld.blogspot.com/
http://watchingmyweight-cathy.blogspot.com/
http://doh-cathy.blogspot.com/

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Dear All Choked up

Oh how to blame it all on the dog :)

I have the same trouble at times and I don't even own a dog. It always comes at a time when I'm ready to cuddle in to my fiance and then I'm hit with what can only be described as the feeling of someone motor-boating the side of my leg. In fact, the first time it happened I jumped out of bed into my "Kung-Fu Ready" stance thinking that we had an intruder.

Back to the dog though ( assuming you can't blame yourself or your husband ) . I have experience long ago with the family Daschund ( or Weener dog for those not in the know ) called Barney. You see he had a love for food scraps - in particular cabbage, beans, pumpkin and any left over beef. Needless to say that's one hell of a recipe for some serious gas issues, and these weren't the "loud but proud" type of farts, these were more of the "silent but violent" kind, the sort that has no warning and when it hits you it's already too late, you're committed to the smell.

So what have we learned from this story? Diet is big contributing factor in Canine fluffing, especially sulfurous based vegetables like cabbage and beans. May I also suggest feeding her roses or lavender, it may perfume the farts (and I hear lavender aromatherapy aids in a good nights sleep).

Failing the change in diet I can also suggest giving Pheobe a big cuddle round the belly ( in an aid to expel any excess wind ) and give her the "It's not lady like to fart" talk. I'm sure she'll understand.
If she continues her midnight boffing after following these steps then I'm afraid there's only a few options left that you can do - Cork it, tape it, cloth nappies, kick her out, move to Tahiti, or you could always rub eucalyptus under your nose before bed.

Wishing you all the best
Aunty Sam

P.S - the photos in the second e-mail weren't attached / didn't show up

P.P.S - May pay to keep Pheobe away from the fire - a long haired dog like that can't afford to have a back-draft if a sneaky one happens to ignite.

askauntysam@gmail.com

Women troubles for Gods Gift.....

Dear Aunty Sam,

I am married with a child but I have to beat away other ladies with a stick. What can I do to make the opposite sex less attracted to me?

Thanks,God's Gift to Women

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Dear Gods Gift,

You're on the right track.

I mean, its normal to feel attractive to the opposite sex when you're in a relationship, blame it on your natural musk.

Women are like that at times, they like a challenge and will even resort to chasing after men who are already spoken for, as Dylan from 90210 once said "It's OK, I've been there" needless to say the only female friends I have now all have staples in their guts and hide in a box in my wardrobe. And on DVD in my undie drawer, and on the hard drive on the computer.

Anyway......

My only advice is to smile nod and go about your merry way and don't give in to temptation. Think of your child and his/her feelings if your wives feelings aren't enough to make you think twice about giving in to other women. You're most likely the only male role model for your child (until they get friends of their own and realise that parents aren't that cool anymore ) so I would suggest that choose your path wisely because whether they say they will or not your child will always follow at least some of your footsteps. They're constantly watching and learning so I'd be wise about your actions if you want your child to respect you.

If at all the above advice fails and you REALLY can't shake these women off, take them shoe shopping and use words like Gucci (pronounced GOOTCHIE like the bit of skin between......never mind) and Jimmy Chiu , they'll likely think you're gay.

Failing that still, if you can't beat them - wear a nice dress and join them.

Take cake

Aunty Sam

Welcome to Ask Aunty

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