Hello Kitty

Dear Aunt Sam:

My cat has halitosis. It is causing a great deal of problem with my friends and family. Sammy wants to entertain people with his endless operatic cat meowing and though it is cute it can sometimes be a source of major social issues among my clique. I have tried everything, from buying the best tooth brush to getting him to floss after meals. I have also attempted to have him ingest mints but still the problem persists. I love Sammy but I can't risk being embarrassed again like what happened last Christmas. Please help me.

Respectfully yours Mr Baxteria

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Dear Mr Baxteria

Your cat has a cool name, big ups to that!!

Hmmmmm wondering what happened last xmas though? Did you give him your heart? and the very next day did he give it away???

Now, halitosis is pretty common in domestic animals, after all they do lick their privates.....and some are flexible enough to reach the area just below the tail.So when you say things like "Wheeweee Sammy your breath smells like Sh!t" he's probably thinking "You don't say Sherlock!"
So for starters I can suggest placing a cone over his head, the ones that look like lampshades. But I best you're wondering how Sammy is gonna clean himself - well, I suggest dimming the lights, throwing a hot chocolate vinyl on the player and serving up a tuna dinner for two. Now before you get worried (or excited - I don't judge) I suggest inviting the hot piece of fluff from next door over to join Sammy for dinner. Now, one thing is gonna lead to another, Mrs cat from next door is going to find Sammy's new hat a bit of a turn on, and she's going to tell him how much she likes the smell of his musk, he's going to complain about not being about to reach certain places and then she's going to want to do her best to help her new friend. I call this process "Cat scratch fever".

After a few more of these play dates with Mrs Cat from next door, Sammy will get used to the routine so you can remove the cone, because I'm sure he'll be well in the routine of assuming the position whenever she comes over.

So where do you win in this game?

Well your actual neighbour from next door will have to put up with Mrs Cats bad breath, and Sammy doesn't clean himself therefore will have breath fresher than a daisy.

Hope this helps
Aunty Sam

Lady of the night

Dear Aunty Sam,

I have this weird rash. It showed up after I had relations with a lady of the evening. I can't go to the doctor. And I can't find previously mentioned lady of the evening. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Anonymous

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Dear Anonymous

Was she any good? Is she worth finding?

Is she any relation to "leggy in New England", whereby I can suggest you research morgellons disease http://www.morgellons-disease-research.com/, , on that note is there anything you two may like to confess before I continue?

Right then

Are you sure its a rash? I'm assuming lipstick remover isn't going to fix anything?You know, back in the olden days a good cure for a rash would be the removal of the infectious bacteria via vigorous scrubbing with a wire brush or pot scourer, however I'm assuming that this method may cause you some discomfort so as far as the rash goes the best thing for it is to lather up in lanolin oil - the stuff that you get from sheep's wool. I'll leave that to your own interpretation but I am in no way suggesting you go and steal Welsh mans date.

As far as finding the "lady of the evening" you may want to do a little undercover work, even if it means mucking in and doing a few jobs yourself and working out the area and local haunts. You never know you may have some customers who may even recognize the rash that can point you in the right direction.

Best Regards

Aunty Sam

Dog Farts

Dear Aunty Sam,

How do I stop my dog from constantly farting. We have changed her food but nothing is working?

Once I had to sleep in the guestroom because I was restless and didn't want to wake my husband. Phoebe (dog) sleeps under the guest bed . As I was falling asleep (finally) she farted and had me running for a gas mask. I mean OMG!!!!!!!

She is adorable but stinky!


Would a cork help? (kidding of course, incase Peta is reading)

Thanks
All Choked Up

http://insidecathysworld.blogspot.com/
http://watchingmyweight-cathy.blogspot.com/
http://doh-cathy.blogspot.com/

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Dear All Choked up

Oh how to blame it all on the dog :)

I have the same trouble at times and I don't even own a dog. It always comes at a time when I'm ready to cuddle in to my fiance and then I'm hit with what can only be described as the feeling of someone motor-boating the side of my leg. In fact, the first time it happened I jumped out of bed into my "Kung-Fu Ready" stance thinking that we had an intruder.

Back to the dog though ( assuming you can't blame yourself or your husband ) . I have experience long ago with the family Daschund ( or Weener dog for those not in the know ) called Barney. You see he had a love for food scraps - in particular cabbage, beans, pumpkin and any left over beef. Needless to say that's one hell of a recipe for some serious gas issues, and these weren't the "loud but proud" type of farts, these were more of the "silent but violent" kind, the sort that has no warning and when it hits you it's already too late, you're committed to the smell.

So what have we learned from this story? Diet is big contributing factor in Canine fluffing, especially sulfurous based vegetables like cabbage and beans. May I also suggest feeding her roses or lavender, it may perfume the farts (and I hear lavender aromatherapy aids in a good nights sleep).

Failing the change in diet I can also suggest giving Pheobe a big cuddle round the belly ( in an aid to expel any excess wind ) and give her the "It's not lady like to fart" talk. I'm sure she'll understand.
If she continues her midnight boffing after following these steps then I'm afraid there's only a few options left that you can do - Cork it, tape it, cloth nappies, kick her out, move to Tahiti, or you could always rub eucalyptus under your nose before bed.

Wishing you all the best
Aunty Sam

P.S - the photos in the second e-mail weren't attached / didn't show up

P.P.S - May pay to keep Pheobe away from the fire - a long haired dog like that can't afford to have a back-draft if a sneaky one happens to ignite.

askauntysam@gmail.com