And that's period!

Dear Aunty Sam

I've met this girl whom I really like, the only problem is that whenever we decide to have a night in with a DVD or a night out at the movies she always reigns supreme and decides on what we watch which is obviously either a chick flick, or even worse - a period drama.

Please help
Hates Mr D'arcy


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Dear Hates Mr D'arcy

Oh how I feel for you,

There's nothing on earth more evil to ones manliness than having to sit through a (Ugh) period drama.
Ever wondered why they're called a period drama? one would think that it's because the film is set in a certain "period". But in fact those who think that are indeed WRONG.

The genre is named for the following reasons:

1) only women "get" them
2) there seems to be a new one every month
3) you'd be lucky if there's any sex during one of them
4) they seem to go on forever
5) they make women emotional
6) Your life is not worth living if you talk during one of them

You get the picture now?

But seriously though stop being so pussy whipped and put your foot down and go out and pre-book the tickets to the movie that you want to see ( I can just hear Russell Peters out there somewhere saying "Be a man, do the right thing" ).
Or you can do what I do, become educated in the film industry and start mentioning certain facts about upcoming movies - become a real movie buff, so that way if she even mentions the latest Period drama or chick flick you can say "Oh that one......I've read all the reviews about that one and they all say its crap, so it's likely that you wont like it either (because you're opinionated)" except I really wouldn't recommend saying the last bit, they may suggest on going just in spite.

If all else fails you can always wait and hope for a film adaptation of the book Pride Prejudice and Zombies (really it does exist I'm not kidding)



All the best - and grow some balls!
Aunty Sam

Hello Kitty

Dear Aunt Sam:

My cat has halitosis. It is causing a great deal of problem with my friends and family. Sammy wants to entertain people with his endless operatic cat meowing and though it is cute it can sometimes be a source of major social issues among my clique. I have tried everything, from buying the best tooth brush to getting him to floss after meals. I have also attempted to have him ingest mints but still the problem persists. I love Sammy but I can't risk being embarrassed again like what happened last Christmas. Please help me.

Respectfully yours Mr Baxteria

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Dear Mr Baxteria

Your cat has a cool name, big ups to that!!

Hmmmmm wondering what happened last xmas though? Did you give him your heart? and the very next day did he give it away???

Now, halitosis is pretty common in domestic animals, after all they do lick their privates.....and some are flexible enough to reach the area just below the tail.So when you say things like "Wheeweee Sammy your breath smells like Sh!t" he's probably thinking "You don't say Sherlock!"
So for starters I can suggest placing a cone over his head, the ones that look like lampshades. But I best you're wondering how Sammy is gonna clean himself - well, I suggest dimming the lights, throwing a hot chocolate vinyl on the player and serving up a tuna dinner for two. Now before you get worried (or excited - I don't judge) I suggest inviting the hot piece of fluff from next door over to join Sammy for dinner. Now, one thing is gonna lead to another, Mrs cat from next door is going to find Sammy's new hat a bit of a turn on, and she's going to tell him how much she likes the smell of his musk, he's going to complain about not being about to reach certain places and then she's going to want to do her best to help her new friend. I call this process "Cat scratch fever".

After a few more of these play dates with Mrs Cat from next door, Sammy will get used to the routine so you can remove the cone, because I'm sure he'll be well in the routine of assuming the position whenever she comes over.

So where do you win in this game?

Well your actual neighbour from next door will have to put up with Mrs Cats bad breath, and Sammy doesn't clean himself therefore will have breath fresher than a daisy.

Hope this helps
Aunty Sam

Lady of the night

Dear Aunty Sam,

I have this weird rash. It showed up after I had relations with a lady of the evening. I can't go to the doctor. And I can't find previously mentioned lady of the evening. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Anonymous

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Dear Anonymous

Was she any good? Is she worth finding?

Is she any relation to "leggy in New England", whereby I can suggest you research morgellons disease http://www.morgellons-disease-research.com/, , on that note is there anything you two may like to confess before I continue?

Right then

Are you sure its a rash? I'm assuming lipstick remover isn't going to fix anything?You know, back in the olden days a good cure for a rash would be the removal of the infectious bacteria via vigorous scrubbing with a wire brush or pot scourer, however I'm assuming that this method may cause you some discomfort so as far as the rash goes the best thing for it is to lather up in lanolin oil - the stuff that you get from sheep's wool. I'll leave that to your own interpretation but I am in no way suggesting you go and steal Welsh mans date.

As far as finding the "lady of the evening" you may want to do a little undercover work, even if it means mucking in and doing a few jobs yourself and working out the area and local haunts. You never know you may have some customers who may even recognize the rash that can point you in the right direction.

Best Regards

Aunty Sam