Rock Superstar

Dear aunty Sam,

I would like to become the world's most famous and celebrated rockstar. How do I go about achieving this?

Yours sincerely,

Sam ( AKA Rainhat )

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Dear......Sam

Thanks for your letter.

How does one become a celebrated rockstar?

I've often asked myself that same question. Wouldn't it be great to live the rock star lifestyle: Play like a demon even when you're high on smack, write lyrics all day long that people will love and sing to for generations, and then there's the touring, the good times and then the women....oh how there will be women, and you never know, some music channel may even consider you for a reality tv series where you get to a live in a house for a few weeks with a whole lot of horny women, and then you have the hard job of deciding which one is the best (after sleeping with all of them of course).

But back to achieving this goal, it is a must for all good memorable rock musicians have one thing in common ( aside from all passing away at age 27 ). They stick to the basics, write a catchy tune that all the kids can not only relate to, but find it easy enough to sing along to, and then in amongst the lyrics, write something in there that will get the listener thinking "what does he REALLY mean by that".

The next step is to get your song out there - Internet is a good start, make your own youtube video and go viral. Or do it the old fashioned way and post a copy to all radio stations and recording studios attached to a bottle of Jack Daniels and hope to hear back from someone - hopefully someone who's drunk enough to talk figures.

The next step after that is to develop your signature, on tour is the best place to start rumours, how about firing raw meat into the crowd or have a rumour started that you bit the head off a lettuce.

Continuing on, they next step is to tour some more while writing a much more controversial follow up album and following all the previous steps.And finally - in order to become well known and memorable, you either have to go soft and save the kids in Africa, or you die in your prime of some unexpected death.

Failing that you could always get really good at guitar hero and enter some gaming competition...

Good luck on your road to becoming a Rock Legend!

All the best

Aunty Sam

And that's period!

Dear Aunty Sam

I've met this girl whom I really like, the only problem is that whenever we decide to have a night in with a DVD or a night out at the movies she always reigns supreme and decides on what we watch which is obviously either a chick flick, or even worse - a period drama.

Please help
Hates Mr D'arcy


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Dear Hates Mr D'arcy

Oh how I feel for you,

There's nothing on earth more evil to ones manliness than having to sit through a (Ugh) period drama.
Ever wondered why they're called a period drama? one would think that it's because the film is set in a certain "period". But in fact those who think that are indeed WRONG.

The genre is named for the following reasons:

1) only women "get" them
2) there seems to be a new one every month
3) you'd be lucky if there's any sex during one of them
4) they seem to go on forever
5) they make women emotional
6) Your life is not worth living if you talk during one of them

You get the picture now?

But seriously though stop being so pussy whipped and put your foot down and go out and pre-book the tickets to the movie that you want to see ( I can just hear Russell Peters out there somewhere saying "Be a man, do the right thing" ).
Or you can do what I do, become educated in the film industry and start mentioning certain facts about upcoming movies - become a real movie buff, so that way if she even mentions the latest Period drama or chick flick you can say "Oh that one......I've read all the reviews about that one and they all say its crap, so it's likely that you wont like it either (because you're opinionated)" except I really wouldn't recommend saying the last bit, they may suggest on going just in spite.

If all else fails you can always wait and hope for a film adaptation of the book Pride Prejudice and Zombies (really it does exist I'm not kidding)



All the best - and grow some balls!
Aunty Sam

Hello Kitty

Dear Aunt Sam:

My cat has halitosis. It is causing a great deal of problem with my friends and family. Sammy wants to entertain people with his endless operatic cat meowing and though it is cute it can sometimes be a source of major social issues among my clique. I have tried everything, from buying the best tooth brush to getting him to floss after meals. I have also attempted to have him ingest mints but still the problem persists. I love Sammy but I can't risk being embarrassed again like what happened last Christmas. Please help me.

Respectfully yours Mr Baxteria

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Dear Mr Baxteria

Your cat has a cool name, big ups to that!!

Hmmmmm wondering what happened last xmas though? Did you give him your heart? and the very next day did he give it away???

Now, halitosis is pretty common in domestic animals, after all they do lick their privates.....and some are flexible enough to reach the area just below the tail.So when you say things like "Wheeweee Sammy your breath smells like Sh!t" he's probably thinking "You don't say Sherlock!"
So for starters I can suggest placing a cone over his head, the ones that look like lampshades. But I best you're wondering how Sammy is gonna clean himself - well, I suggest dimming the lights, throwing a hot chocolate vinyl on the player and serving up a tuna dinner for two. Now before you get worried (or excited - I don't judge) I suggest inviting the hot piece of fluff from next door over to join Sammy for dinner. Now, one thing is gonna lead to another, Mrs cat from next door is going to find Sammy's new hat a bit of a turn on, and she's going to tell him how much she likes the smell of his musk, he's going to complain about not being about to reach certain places and then she's going to want to do her best to help her new friend. I call this process "Cat scratch fever".

After a few more of these play dates with Mrs Cat from next door, Sammy will get used to the routine so you can remove the cone, because I'm sure he'll be well in the routine of assuming the position whenever she comes over.

So where do you win in this game?

Well your actual neighbour from next door will have to put up with Mrs Cats bad breath, and Sammy doesn't clean himself therefore will have breath fresher than a daisy.

Hope this helps
Aunty Sam