Ask Aunty Sam

Rock Superstar

2009-07-29T20:36:00.000-07:00

Dear aunty Sam,

I would like to become the world's most famous and celebrated rockstar. How do I go about achieving this?

Yours sincerely,

Sam ( AKA Rainhat )

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Dear......Sam

Thanks for your letter.

How does one become a celebrated rockstar?

I've often asked myself that same question. Wouldn't it be great to live the rock star lifestyle: Play like a demon even when you're high on smack, write lyrics all day long that people will love and sing to for generations, and then there's the touring, the good times and then the women....oh how there will be women, and you never know, some music channel may even consider you for a reality tv series where you get to a live in a house for a few weeks with a whole lot of horny women, and then you have the hard job of deciding which one is the best (after sleeping with all of them of course).

But back to achieving this goal, it is a must for all good memorable rock musicians have one thing in common ( aside from all passing away at age 27 ). They stick to the basics, write a catchy tune that all the kids can not only relate to, but find it easy enough to sing along to, and then in amongst the lyrics, write something in there that will get the listener thinking "what does he REALLY mean by that".

The next step is to get your song out there - Internet is a good start, make your own youtube video and go viral. Or do it the old fashioned way and post a copy to all radio stations and recording studios attached to a bottle of Jack Daniels and hope to hear back from someone - hopefully someone who's drunk enough to talk figures.

The next step after that is to develop your signature, on tour is the best place to start rumours, how about firing raw meat into the crowd or have a rumour started that you bit the head off a lettuce.

Continuing on, they next step is to tour some more while writing a much more controversial follow up album and following all the previous steps.And finally - in order to become well known and memorable, you either have to go soft and save the kids in Africa, or you die in your prime of some unexpected death.

Failing that you could always get really good at guitar hero and enter some gaming competition...

Good luck on your road to becoming a Rock Legend!

All the best

Aunty Sam

And that's period!

2009-07-13T20:22:00.000-07:00

Dear Aunty Sam

I've met this girl whom I really like, the only problem is that whenever we decide to have a night in with a DVD or a night out at the movies she always reigns supreme and decides on what we watch which is obviously either a chick flick, or even worse - a period drama.

Please help
Hates Mr D'arcy

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Dear Hates Mr D'arcy

Oh how I feel for you,

There's nothing on earth more evil to ones manliness than having to sit through a (Ugh) period drama.
Ever wondered why they're called a period drama? one would think that it's because the film is set in a certain "period". But in fact those who think that are indeed WRONG.

The genre is named for the following reasons:

1) only women "get" them
2) there seems to be a new one every month
3) you'd be lucky if there's any sex during one of them
4) they seem to go on forever
5) they make women emotional
6) Your life is not worth living if you talk during one of them

You get the picture now?

But seriously though stop being so pussy whipped and put your foot down and go out and pre-book the tickets to the movie that you want to see ( I can just hear Russell Peters out there somewhere saying "Be a man, do the right thing" ).
Or you can do what I do, become educated in the film industry and start mentioning certain facts about upcoming movies - become a real movie buff, so that way if she even mentions the latest Period drama or chick flick you can say "Oh that one......I've read all the reviews about that one and they all say its crap, so it's likely that you wont like it either (because you're opinionated)" except I really wouldn't recommend saying the last bit, they may suggest on going just in spite.

If all else fails you can always wait and hope for a film adaptation of the book Pride Prejudice and Zombies (really it does exist I'm not kidding)

All the best - and grow some balls!
Aunty Sam

Hello Kitty

2009-07-02T00:07:00.000-07:00

Dear Aunt Sam:

My cat has halitosis. It is causing a great deal of problem with my friends and family. Sammy wants to entertain people with his endless operatic cat meowing and though it is cute it can sometimes be a source of major social issues among my clique. I have tried everything, from buying the best tooth brush to getting him to floss after meals. I have also attempted to have him ingest mints but still the problem persists. I love Sammy but I can't risk being embarrassed again like what happened last Christmas. Please help me.

Respectfully yours Mr Baxteria

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Dear Mr Baxteria

Your cat has a cool name, big ups to that!!

Hmmmmm wondering what happened last xmas though? Did you give him your heart? and the very next day did he give it away???

Now, halitosis is pretty common in domestic animals, after all they do lick their privates.....and some are flexible enough to reach the area just below the tail.So when you say things like "Wheeweee Sammy your breath smells like Sh!t" he's probably thinking "You don't say Sherlock!"
So for starters I can suggest placing a cone over his head, the ones that look like lampshades. But I best you're wondering how Sammy is gonna clean himself - well, I suggest dimming the lights, throwing a hot chocolate vinyl on the player and serving up a tuna dinner for two. Now before you get worried (or excited - I don't judge) I suggest inviting the hot piece of fluff from next door over to join Sammy for dinner. Now, one thing is gonna lead to another, Mrs cat from next door is going to find Sammy's new hat a bit of a turn on, and she's going to tell him how much she likes the smell of his musk, he's going to complain about not being about to reach certain places and then she's going to want to do her best to help her new friend. I call this process "Cat scratch fever".

After a few more of these play dates with Mrs Cat from next door, Sammy will get used to the routine so you can remove the cone, because I'm sure he'll be well in the routine of assuming the position whenever she comes over.

So where do you win in this game?

Well your actual neighbour from next door will have to put up with Mrs Cats bad breath, and Sammy doesn't clean himself therefore will have breath fresher than a daisy.

Hope this helps
Aunty Sam

Lady of the night

2009-06-21T18:15:00.000-07:00

Dear Aunty Sam,

I have this weird rash. It showed up after I had relations with a lady of the evening. I can't go to the doctor. And I can't find previously mentioned lady of the evening. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Anonymous

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Dear Anonymous

Was she any good? Is she worth finding?

Is she any relation to "leggy in New England", whereby I can suggest you research morgellons disease http://www.morgellons-disease-research.com/, , on that note is there anything you two may like to confess before I continue?

Right then

Are you sure its a rash? I'm assuming lipstick remover isn't going to fix anything?You know, back in the olden days a good cure for a rash would be the removal of the infectious bacteria via vigorous scrubbing with a wire brush or pot scourer, however I'm assuming that this method may cause you some discomfort so as far as the rash goes the best thing for it is to lather up in lanolin oil - the stuff that you get from sheep's wool. I'll leave that to your own interpretation but I am in no way suggesting you go and steal Welsh mans date.

As far as finding the "lady of the evening" you may want to do a little undercover work, even if it means mucking in and doing a few jobs yourself and working out the area and local haunts. You never know you may have some customers who may even recognize the rash that can point you in the right direction.

Best Regards

Aunty Sam

Leggy

2009-06-21T18:05:00.000-07:00

Dear Aunty Sam...

I have a growing growth on my leg. It is black, gooey, and sometimes moves on it's own.Do you think duct tape would work better than the baking soda I'm currently using to try and get rid of it? Or should I just cut it off?What do I do if it starts talking?

Thanks,

Leggy in New England.

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Dear Leggy,

Gross!

have you alerted the border security and military forces yet?In all seriousness though I would have it looked at by a doctor. Failing that do a bit of DIY and try burning it off with dry ice.If it starts talking I suggest you go out and rent the movie brain damage its about a little talking worm that latches on to the back of its host and gives him LSD trips in exchange for the host bringing it victims home so that it can eat their brains. Cant remember how it ends but it could be of some help to you: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0094793/

Best regards

Aunty Sam

Dog Farts

2009-06-20T02:37:00.000-07:00

Dear Aunty Sam,

How do I stop my dog from constantly farting. We have changed her food but nothing is working?

Once I had to sleep in the guestroom because I was restless and didn't want to wake my husband. Phoebe (dog) sleeps under the guest bed . As I was falling asleep (finally) she farted and had me running for a gas mask. I mean OMG!!!!!!!

She is adorable but stinky!

Would a cork help? (kidding of course, incase Peta is reading)

Thanks
All Choked Up

http://insidecathysworld.blogspot.com/
http://watchingmyweight-cathy.blogspot.com/
http://doh-cathy.blogspot.com/

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Dear All Choked up

Oh how to blame it all on the dog :)

I have the same trouble at times and I don't even own a dog. It always comes at a time when I'm ready to cuddle in to my fiance and then I'm hit with what can only be described as the feeling of someone motor-boating the side of my leg. In fact, the first time it happened I jumped out of bed into my "Kung-Fu Ready" stance thinking that we had an intruder.

Back to the dog though ( assuming you can't blame yourself or your husband ) . I have experience long ago with the family Daschund ( or Weener dog for those not in the know ) called Barney. You see he had a love for food scraps - in particular cabbage, beans, pumpkin and any left over beef. Needless to say that's one hell of a recipe for some serious gas issues, and these weren't the "loud but proud" type of farts, these were more of the "silent but violent" kind, the sort that has no warning and when it hits you it's already too late, you're committed to the smell.

So what have we learned from this story? Diet is big contributing factor in Canine fluffing, especially sulfurous based vegetables like cabbage and beans. May I also suggest feeding her roses or lavender, it may perfume the farts (and I hear lavender aromatherapy aids in a good nights sleep).

Failing the change in diet I can also suggest giving Pheobe a big cuddle round the belly ( in an aid to expel any excess wind ) and give her the "It's not lady like to fart" talk. I'm sure she'll understand.
If she continues her midnight boffing after following these steps then I'm afraid there's only a few options left that you can do - Cork it, tape it, cloth nappies, kick her out, move to Tahiti, or you could always rub eucalyptus under your nose before bed.

Wishing you all the best
Aunty Sam

P.S - the photos in the second e-mail weren't attached / didn't show up

P.P.S - May pay to keep Pheobe away from the fire - a long haired dog like that can't afford to have a back-draft if a sneaky one happens to ignite.

askauntysam@gmail.com

Women troubles for Gods Gift.....

2009-06-18T18:48:00.000-07:00

Dear Aunty Sam,

I am married with a child but I have to beat away other ladies with a stick. What can I do to make the opposite sex less attracted to me?

Thanks,God's Gift to Women

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Dear Gods Gift,

You're on the right track.

I mean, its normal to feel attractive to the opposite sex when you're in a relationship, blame it on your natural musk.

Women are like that at times, they like a challenge and will even resort to chasing after men who are already spoken for, as Dylan from 90210 once said "It's OK, I've been there" needless to say the only female friends I have now all have staples in their guts and hide in a box in my wardrobe. And on DVD in my undie drawer, and on the hard drive on the computer.

Anyway......

My only advice is to smile nod and go about your merry way and don't give in to temptation. Think of your child and his/her feelings if your wives feelings aren't enough to make you think twice about giving in to other women. You're most likely the only male role model for your child (until they get friends of their own and realise that parents aren't that cool anymore ) so I would suggest that choose your path wisely because whether they say they will or not your child will always follow at least some of your footsteps. They're constantly watching and learning so I'd be wise about your actions if you want your child to respect you.

If at all the above advice fails and you REALLY can't shake these women off, take them shoe shopping and use words like Gucci (pronounced GOOTCHIE like the bit of skin between......never mind) and Jimmy Chiu , they'll likely think you're gay.

Failing that still, if you can't beat them - wear a nice dress and join them.

Take cake

Aunty Sam

Welcome to Ask Aunty

2009-06-18T17:47:00.000-07:00

Hello to all and Welcome,

Welcome to the next generation of "Agony Aunt" Blogs.

First of all I'd like to point out to all of you that this is an advice column and not some mambo jambo fortune telling site. I'm not gonna read your palms or tell you the lottery numbers, I'm just gonna tell you how it is as best as I possibly can.
I can't promise that I wont judge - that will depend on my mood and lets face it I'd do anything for a good laugh but I will take you seriously If I feel that your concerns need the proper attention.

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All submissions to this site will be published unless under special request from the letter writer.

You don't ( and probably shouldn't ) need to use your real name to sign off letters.

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These rules and guidelines can and will change as I see fit.

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or

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